Real talk at 1am: the struggle of feeling left behind 

I finally became inspired at midnight last night to write a new blog post. It’s a little serious, and lacking in candy floss and unicorns but hey ho, here we go:

For the past few days I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to develop a subject that I want to passionately write about for my blog. Something that I believe in, something great that I’ve experienced or just something I want to write about. So maybe this won’t be that interesting to many readers, but I’ve decided to just throw this out there.
I’ve recently been dumped into a position where I find myself with an unusual amount of time on my hands and I want to do something productive and creative with that. I’ve taken up painting and drawing again and my new sketchbook is well underway, but I still want to write. We’re just facing one little problem here, and that’s motivation. I’ve written before that I tend to just imagine that nobody reads my blog, and that nobody I know will ever see it, and in a way that gives me more confidence to add to it. But recently, I’ve had friends tell me that they’ve been keeping up with my blog and that they’ve read everything I’ve written, and every time I’ve been shocked and surprised. That’s great news to me – by this week my motivation mojo is just gone.

Now, today, I’m pressuring myself because I want to write something, but I don’t feel as though I can currently project the positive light that I want my blog to be. And this is really annoying me. I tweeted that I had about 50 something drafts saved on WordPress ready to edit and add to, but the motivation was just non-existent. Then I had a tweet from someone, (shout out to James!) reminding me that posting something is better than posting nothing, and then I actually felt a little compelled to share that my blogging motivation is spiralling, and why, and how okay-ish that is and how I’m challenging it.
A blog can be many things, to the reader it can be a source of entertainment, light reading , casual ‘I’ll check every now and then and see what’s new’ type of thing or just something you come across once, never to be seen again. To the writer, a blog is so much more. Who will read what I write ? What will they say and what will they think of me as a person? Or does the writer even care what others think and simple run with the creative outlet? Right now I’ve hit a brick wall, and I think that’s totally okay to admit, because if you scroll back through my other blog posts you’ll see that I really am a keen ‘push the positive’ kind of person (in a nice, normal way / not an annoying way of course) and I really do just want to see the best in things.

The reality is this: on the last but one day of February 2017 I was made redundant.

I’ve dealt with this situation well, and the support I’ve had from my Parents, my Aunty Sue, my mum’s friend Kelly and my closest friends has been touching to say the least. If were to treat this blog like a diary, I’d be reeling off my thoughts, how it was painstakingly dragged over a period of a few weeks, how it was done and how it made me feel. But I guess it’s not the right time or place to vent. So that’s that.

Anyway, today, my mood was slightly glum and it’s because I feel like I’m about to be left behind, (blaming the above reason).  I feel as though I’m going to be lagging behind my friends, and other people my age, all because a job and an income was taken from me. Let’s get down to it; yes a job = money and NO, a job does not = your life, but that job was going to allow me to save up to buy a place of my own, and now I feel like that chance has knocked me down a flight of stairs. Yes, I feel all sorts of adjectives about that because that’s human, that’s natural and that’s me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m under no illusion about how crap the property market is right now, especially for single, 20 somethings.. but it’s my future’s bubble that’s been burst for a minute.

In a world where everyone shares their every move, every meal and every emotion on social media, sometimes we’re expected to share everything. By the truth is, being glued to your screen is not doing you good. Stop comparing your timeline to that of someone who has travelled a different path to you or happened to find that lucky pot of gold before you did.

My friend Lois said something straightforward and eye-opening to me yesterday. Just because you’re at one point in your life and someone your age may be ahead of you, maybe they have a great well-paying job and they’ve just bought a house? This doesn’t mean they’re ahead of you everywhere else in life. Like I said, it’s straightforward to comprehend, but true:

It’s okay to admit you may feel a little left out of life, and it’s okay to admit that you may be jealous of someone who seems to have it good. But if you want to go and get some good injected into your life, I think you can’t be hopeless about it, or accept that things are shitty, maybe wallow for a little , then kick yourself into a higher gear and chase it. Hope for it and work your socks off to be in with a chance of getting that good stuff. Although I’ve hit a slight .. boo hoo moment – ‘it’ will come back, I’m just aware that it might take a little longer than expected.

So… I guess I’m trying to reign in this post with some positivity for the punchline.  A setback may halt you in your tracks, and it may not ‘make you stronger’ but you’re not the first person to hit a nasty bump in the road and you won’t be the last.

Surround yourself with good people who are there for you and with you, with no extra effort – just because they care, and you’ll be a-okay.

Side note: At some point I do plan to write about being made redundant, I’m not sure which angle the blog post will take, because I’m certain it wouldn’t be the ‘right thing’ to go I to too much detail, so I’ll leave out the petty details, but I will write one. I think I need to.

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